I'm really very discouraged right now. Almost suicidal. I've done sort of well for myself and always thought that I was a decent person and that I had an okay life. I guess I did something wrong because karma keeps kicking my a**. My life story, in a nutshell: Mom got sick when I was 11, so I had to drop out of school to take care of her. Not having any teachers, I had to homeschool myself. Went to the hospital on 9/11, got sicker, died on mother's day when I was 16. Soon afterwards, dad got sick and died while I was on vacation.
Soon after my dad died, I got involved in my first 'serious' relationship. It was pretty good for a while, until he decided that we were not dating anymore and decided to tell me this on my birthday, a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Happy birthday!!! Spent Thanksgiving in his apartment, alone. Thanksgiving with Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets-- nice. Gives me time to start the application process to college, however, so it wasn't an entire waste. Pretty miserable, but not the worst ever.
Later on, I move out of state, away from him, away from this mess. He decides to write a crizazy letter to my aunt that I am staying with, saying some very bad, untrue things. Beyond humiliated, I refused to talk to him... so he shows up, unannounced, from out-of-state. Twice. I finally get past all of that, and have a new boyfriend now. Great guy, treats me well, awesome, awesome. The most stable person I've ever met. He and I get along great and love being together. Great!
The time comes for the college admission letters to roll in. Yes! I got into a few Ivy Leagues! Things are going great, right? Everything is going spectacularly! I am so thrilled right now (yay!)!
Then... I get sick. My health (and appearance) goes downhill. I can't start school for a year. Okay, I say... I'll start working instead, save up some money. Well, I start working, but the pay is so little and the hours so few that I have to have three jobs in order to make ends meet. My savings dwindle down to nothing, and I'm virtually broke. Summer before I actually go to school starts. A member of my family is ill, so I have to go visit. While visiting, my boyfriend of 15 months texts me and tells me that he married his ex-girlfriend and that he was sorry. That's how I got broken up with. Awesome. After I pick myself up off of the floor of my motel room, I realize the very real truth that my family is dead, my boyfriend left me, and I am virtually alone.
I start school in the fall. Everything goes well academically; I have over 95% in all of my classes. However, I can't get past all of this b.s. that happened with my exes and my parents, and on top of that, the financial aid office completely murdered my aid package to the point where dealing with them was like a full-time job. I couldn't sleep or function, and had to leave for yet another year. Not good. I get a job and apply for two summer research programs. It takes a while to get a job, so I max out both of my credit cards in order to make ends meet. I finally get two jobs and start paying my debts. I'm waiting to hear back from the summer research programs. Life is not good, but it's okay.
Then I get a bad case of the flu. I'm coughing all the time, not able to eat, and not able to get out of bed. That brings me to today-- I get fired from my job, have my hours significantly reduced at the other job (2 hours per week only), and get rejected from both research programs. I go to bed in disbelief and have a wonderful dream where I am at home in my parents' livingroom, watching TV with my mom and dad and drinking a glass of tea. Then I wake up and realize it's just an unbelievably sick way my brain found to torture me. So here I am, broke, despondent, alone, having nothing to look forward to and suicidal. I try so hard to make things work out in my life, but I just keep going through bad things and I can't seem to get up. Does anyone have any good advice? Can anyone help me? Please?
